Tuesday, April 12, 2016

A Work of A.R.T. | Our Rainbow Baby

    I know what they'll say. They'll say, "See! You just needed to relax." or "I told you it would happen someday." or "Too bad I couldn't give you my own fertility!" or "I'm so glad you don't struggle with infertility anymore!" and so much more. Many will never understand, never see, and never know how wrong and hurtful these words are. We're some of the lucky ones. It only took 4 years, 3 miscarriages, depression, 107 hormone injections, one surgery, two procedures, over 100 suppositories, and several thousand dollars to get our baby. You might ask how I say that we're lucky. We're lucky because we get to have a baby. So many women don't. Even more go through multiple rounds of fertility treatments to get their baby.
    We will always have infertility. It doesn't matter if we have all the children our hearts desire. Each of those children will take one surgery, 107 shots, two procedures, over 100 suppositories, and several thousand dollars. At least. If we're lucky.
    Our baby doesn't erase years of loss, depression, hopelessness, pain, tears, and crying out to God. Our baby doesn't replace the babies that were lost years before. The twin that was lost, or our eight tiny embryos that just weren't strong enough to make it to our transfer and freezing. Our eight tiny babies. Each and every one of them. They were people. But with our infertility we just couldn't make them strong enough. It's bittersweet, our little one that is in me now. This baby had nine siblings that aren't here. Just like the three before them. This is infertility. There aren't blessings in infertility. There are blessings in spite of infertility.
    What our baby does do is fill us with a love and joy and gratefulness that I never knew possible. When I look at that ultrasound my heart actually skips. For years I lived never knowing if I would ever have an ultrasound photo hanging on my fridge. If I would ever have a bump or see that coveted stretch mark on my belly, or if the baby clothes I bought for friends would ever hang in my own home. If life would ever grow inside of me. And against all odds, it does. I'm so in love I can hardly stand it. There will be hard days, I know. We've longed for them for years.
    I will never be able to say enough of the blessing of science. I praise God every day that He gave people the knowledge and skill to design the technology it takes to remove my eggs from my body and fertilize them under a microscope. To grow our tiny people in a petri dish 104 miles away. To give them a better chance at thriving than they ever could have had inside of me, and then five days later putting them back, where we wait to see if the impossible [for me] has happened.
    I feel like I'm trespassing here in the world of pregnant women. The world of fertility. I don't belong. I've stood on tiptoes for years, peering over the fence to see what it's like. I'm here, but my heart is still with my sisters. The ones left behind. The ones who have walked with me for years and still they wait. My sisters who are happier for me than anyone else could ever be, because they know the pain first hand. This post will hurt them. My pregnancy, my baby, my joy, it will hurt. It's a guilty kind of hurt (though it shouldn't be), because you can't understand why you're so happy for your friend, but so utterly broken for yourself. I know because I've been there, and while I have this precious one now, in many ways I will never leave. The baby in my belly, soon in my arms, will not dull the pain of the next pregnancy announcement or baby shower or birth. They will always remind me of my struggle. Past and future, because I know this struggle doesn't end. But to every single one of my babies, the one who made it and the ones who didn't; you were worth it.







23 comments:

  1. Oh Macy.... You make a person such as myself, who never had fertility issues understand. Your words say so much. I'm so happy that your wish came true through all your persistence and you get to know the joy of loving your little one. I'm so sorry that it has to be dampened by everything you had to go through to get there and the guilt that comes along with achieving your dream (this time.) Hug and prayers (and happiness) for your family. Love you!!

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    1. Thank you so much for your sweet words, Shawn! They are so encouraging and uplifting. <3

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  2. Macy, this is the first time I've seen your blog. So beautiful. That picture on this post is powerful and beautiful and shows amazing evidence of your love for your baby! Thanks for letting me in on your world. Congratulations! Prayers for a blessed pregnancy.

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    1. Thank you, Hannah! I was having a hard time parting with all my vials and syringes, strangely enough. I'm so happy with how the photo turned out and now I finally feel like I can throw them out. :) Thank you for your words and for taking the time to read our (and our baby's!) story. :)

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  3. I absolutely love your heart. It fills me with such joy to know that in a few months I will be able to hold and kiss your baby. Thank you for being vulnerable enough to share your struggle...this post helps give hope and support to those who need it.

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    1. Thank you so much! I was so happy to finally feel ready and in a healthy enough place to share our journey more thoroughly. Can't wait for you to meet little squish. :)

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  5. Macy.. This was a breath of fresh air to read. We had 8 rounds of treatment - 3 IUI and 5 IVF and now have a beautiful daughter who is 2.5. Lost 3 before her and another last year. The pain of infertility and loss is indescribable. I'm so happy you will finally get to hold that baby in your arms xxx

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words! It's so encouraging and motivates me to continue sharing my journey. I'm so heartbroken for your losses, and so thankful that you have your daughter!

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  6. Thank you so much for posting the picture with all the needles and medication. I too lost 3 while I tried and tried.
    I'm crying as I type this. It's still so painful and difficult to share and admit.
    I am a proud mommy of 2 boys (ages 5 and 2)that I was able to finally carry and birth too. Thanks to acupuncture, great modern medicine, and GOD.
    I too want to bring awareness to this because it's still very taboo and shameful. You were right about getting the unsolicited advice, judgments and pity from everyone.
    I will continue to support others in this journey. Thank you for posting. thank you for being so brave.
    Sylvia. s.b.diaz@hotmail.com

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    1. Oh the advice. It's definitely one of the most frustrating things. I'm sorry for your losses, it's a thing that never really goes away, unfortunately. But then, you don't really want it to, either. Congratulations on your sweet boys!

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  7. Hi Macy, thank you for this beautiful post! It literally brought tears to my eyes. You said everything in my mind that I wish I can say to everyone!!
    My husband was injured in Afghanistan 2 years ago, with his injuries, we were not able to conceive, but with the help of amazing doctors, science and many many prayers, they were able to save some of my husband sperm for us to go thru IVF treatment. It took us two years to get pregnant with our first child after being married for 8 years. I just gave birth to a beautiful little boy two weeks ago. No one will never understand the struggle that anyone has to go through with infertility, the subject of just talking about it is so painful and so sensitive.
    Thank you for sharing your story and for inspiring people to continue to not give up on what they dream of most having.

    NkaoGer Lee

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    1. Thank you so much for your encouraging words! Little boys are so wonderful and I can't wait to meet mine! I'm so happy you were able to get your son. :) So thankful for those doctors!!!!

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  8. I'm thrilled for you and your husband to have been able to get pregnant. However, what is far more sad and distressing than having to go through fertility treatments, is finding out irrespective of IVF, many women cannot get pregnant. I'm one of them. Severe endometriosis destroyed my chances for a child. So, I will be having a full hysterectomy this summer, and it saddens me to no end. I would have done anything to carry a child. So, be very thankful you were able to actually do IVF, and conceive. For many of us IVF isn't even an option.

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    1. We are so very thankful and very aware that so many women don't get babies. My heart breaks every day for them, as many are my friends. I'm so truly heartbroken for you.

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  9. This is the most sensitive announcement I have ever read. There are many of our kind who leave us behind the moment they can join other expectant mothers. I find it so hard that even those who suffer pregnancy loss without having to spend months preparing, injecting, testing, extracting, inserting, sticking, poking, massaging, and budgeting just don't understand. And don't try, though their experience is the closest any non I've infertile will get. Thank you for saying what I feel. What I fear. I try to maintain hope but as time keeps passing, I keep crying, my hope chest grows, and my womb remains empty and my three lost Ivf babies are gone (not to say anything for all the others who never made it to freezing). Thank you. Much love to you and your miracle baby

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  10. Very sensitively and beautifully written. I'm one of the ones who cannot have children and have now given up on IVF and am grateful for your appreciation of those of us left behind. I wish you all the best xx For those who remain childless, this post is for you.... http://lifeabirdseyeview.blogspot.co.uk/2016/05/behind-smile-by-anon-non-mother-that-is_12.html

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    1. And I for one always think of girls like you, like beautiful girls I know, your feelings are Often in my thoughts. Xxxx

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  11. Hi Macy. I saw an article on how you announced your pregnancy online this morning on a site connected to the Sydney Morning Herald, the biggest paper in Sydney Australia. I loved it. I was like, you go girl! I had a quick read of your blog (plan to read more) and saw how you wrote how you knew how hard it would be for your friends that were still trying to get pregnant, and to be honest in your post was how I felt getting pregnant, I was never going to abandon the sister hood of people who I knew were trying, or couldn't etc, I'd always be respectful in how I delivered news and such. I live in Australia and did ivf and had my daughter when I was 41. I try and be very open now when I suspect people are struggling and am very open that I did ivf but it's only other people who suffer from infertility that really get it, all choice is out of our hands. I know I am very lucky, it's hard for it to work at 41 and she wil be our only child. I just really wanted to say thanks for the honesty and I felt like you encaptured how I felt getting pregnant, I was so happy but also scared and maybe a bit guilty. Good on you and best of luck, I know after all the struggle, you will appreciate it, every day. As hard as the early days can be, don't wish a moment away. You're a good chick and You're a good egg and thanks for being real xx That's an Australian thing to say ������❤️❤️��

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  12. With the help of a man called Dr.Addo I was able to get pregnant though his root and herbs. I'm 47years of age, it was really difficult for me to pregnant though my husband loves me but it was really hurting me not having my own child but after many years I came across Dr.Addo. I'm 7months pregnant now through the help of the wounderful man and I will advice everyone looking for help to get pregnant to contact this gretae man via his email at: ( addosolution@gmail.com ) and be happy like me.

    from CANADA

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  13. Don’t think of anything else just contact priest eka and purchase some of his herbal medication and your depression will go away. This was my state of mind when my doctor told me that i will not be able to concieve due to the Fibroid that was rolling in my family life and when i decide to reach out to the priest, and the priest told me what to do in other to get the medication. Eventually I receive all the Herbal medications that cure my Fibroid and give me the chance to become a proud mother: Eka is a great spiritualist, He did it for me, you can contact Eka on (dreka14demons@gmail.com). If you are suffering from the following gynecology disease::
    1. Fibroid, Asthma, All STD, sinus infection
    2.High Blood Pressure (herbs to reduce your BP within 7days)
    3. Infection, regular body pains (yeast infection),urine tract infection.
    4. Blockage from the fallopian Tube
    5. Cyst from the ovaries
    6. Unpleasant smell from the virginal, virginal itching
    7. Irregular menstruation
    8. Weakness of the penis (not able to have sex with your partner or inability to satisfy your partner sexually)
    9. Watering sperm (low sperm count) not able to get woman pregnant.
    10. Infertility for easy Conception.......
    11. Skin diseases, Toilet infection and bad body odor…….Etc..
    Simply contact the spiritualist DrEka on (dreka14demons@gmail.com) to get his Herbal Medication to cure your disease and put yourself on a motherhood side of life..

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  14. . A great testimony that i must share to all fibroid patient in the world. i never believed that their could be any complete cure for fibroid with out going for surgery ,i saw people’s testimony on blog sites and Facebook page of how Dr Williams prepare herbal cure for different king of disease,and with the help of his herb they where able to shrink there fibroid naturally. i had to try it too and you can,t believe that in just few weeks i started using it all my pains stop gradually . Right now i want to tell you all that i just give birth to a baby boy last month,and on thin now i have not had any pain, and i have just went for text last week and the doctor confirmed that there is no trace of any fibroid in my system . Glory be to God for leading me to this great Dr Williams I am so happy as i am sharing this testimony. My advice to you all who thinks that their is no herbal cure for fibroid that is Not true ,just contact him and get cure from his email drwilliams098765@gmail.com

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  15. The video presentation above shows you some unique and rare tips on how to treat almost any type of infertility disorder and get pregnant naturally in just 60 short days even if you're on your late 30's or 40's.

    This is based on the latest scientific research on how to stop the actual CAUSE of 97% of infertility disorders. *And if you also suffer from ovarian cysts, uterine fibroids, tubal obstruction, endometriosis or lazy ovaries or if your male partner has low sperm count or sperm motility disorders, then the moves highlighted above will help you treat most of these infertility related conditions while restoring your energy and vitality and giving you the healthy baby you've dreamed of for so long.

    Important note: I can't leave this video up for long, so be sure to watch it from beginning to end while it's still here. Remember: Watch the whole video, as the ending will pleasantly surprise you…

    For more info please click on the following link: how to treat infertility

    Talk soon.

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